Blog
Blog
The anxious preoccupied attachment style
and their struggles in relationships
The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
& Their Difficulties In Romantic Relationships
We are going to explore the anxious preoccupied attachment style and how this could negatively be affecting your love life. Maybe you have this attachment style or maybe your partner does. Either way it is important to educate yourself so that you can take the proper steps in order to have a fulfilling love life if that is what you desire.
A lot of our subconscious blocks to love are rooted in our childhood and formed during our formative years between the ages of 0-7. Our attachment style, which is the interpersonal relationship we have between us as children and our primary caregiver, sets the foundational blueprint for our deep subconscious beliefs that can either positively or negatively affect our love life and our life.
Our attachment style is formed in childhood and it is formed between the child and the primary caregiver. The caregiver who spends the most time with the child we are calling the primary caregiver. It is the interaction between the child and the primary caregiver that shapes the child’s developing brain creating and forming what is called attachment patterning. These early experiences shape an individual's development, particularly their self-esteem, ability to form secure attachments, and overall emotional well-being. The reason this is important is b/c this will form the foundational blueprint for how this child (you) will later operate in its relationships.
We are going to explore the dismissive avoidant attachment style and how this could negatively be affecting your love life. Maybe you have this attachment style or maybe your partner does. Either way it is important to educate yourself so that you can take the proper steps in order to have a fulfilling love life if that is what you desire.
A lot of our subconscious blocks to love are rooted in our childhood and formed during our formative years between the ages of 0-7. Our attachment style, which is the interpersonal relationship we have between us as children and our primary caregiver, sets the foundational blueprint for our deep subconscious beliefs that can either positively or negatively affect our love life and our life. To learn what your attachment style might be you can take the attachment style quiz.
Our attachment style is formed in childhood and it is formed between the child and the primary caregiver. The caregiver who spends the most time with the child we are calling the primary caregiver. It is the interaction between the child and the primary caregiver that shapes the child’s developing brain creating and forming what is called attachment patterning. These early experiences shape an individual's development, particularly their self-esteem, ability to form secure attachments, and overall emotional well-being. The reason this is important is b/c this will form the foundational blueprint for how this child (you) will later operate in its relationships.
It is within the first 18 months of the child’s life where the attachment patterning within the brain forms and stabilizes. It is over this length of time that the child is experiencing repetition in terms of behavior between it and its primary caregiver.
It is the relationship between the baby and the caregiver that shapes the child’s developing mind. Parent’s are sculpting their child’s minds. As babies we have no choice but to adapt to the limitations of our caregivers. And we adapt in a way that conforms to the relationship we have with our primary caregivers. Even if that means we shut down our attachment system altogether. Which is the case for avoidant children.
The primary caregiver for avoidant children usually have what is called a dismissive avoidant attachment. This is an avoidant attachment for adults. So the mother hands down her attachment to her child. Attachment patterning is ancestral and handed down the family line. And it keeps repeating until a member of the family takes it upon themselves to do the deeper level healing that is required to develop what is called “earned secure attachment.”
Children are sponges and will pick up what their parents model to them.
We can earn security by learning the right tools, learning how to be in a healthy relationship, and by rewiring our neurology and healing our deep core wounds from childhood, and healing our ancestral trauma. Believe or not the trauma from our ancestors affects our DNA, this is epigenetics.
When parents don’t work on their deeper level wounds they unconsciously hand it down those wounds to their children. Children will pick up everything, even the issues the parent’s are not even aware of.
These anxious preoccupied caregivers have a hard time attuning to their infant and can’t quite figure out what the child needs. Sometimes they figure out what the child needs and other times they don’t. The name of the game is inconsistency. These caregivers are inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs.
These children are not being attuned to by the primary caregiver on a consistent basis. And for this particular child who is developing an anxious ambivalent attachment to its primary caregiver, this child is trying its best to get its needs met and does this by amping up its attachment centers.
Let’s say that the child wants to be cuddled and loved and it cries in an attempt to communicate that with its primary caregiver, the parent comes but isn’t able to tune into that need that the child has. So the parent feeds the child instead… and the child keeps crying. Because what it really needs isn’t being met in that moment.
The child will cry and cry and cry and act out in this way in hopes that mom will figure out what they truly need and help them to meet that need. The child wants their primary caregiver to soothe them but the primary caregiver just isn’t getting the message.
The repeated crying and revving up of their attachment center is a behavioral adaptation, the child is behaving in such a way so that they can maintain connection with its caregiver in hopes that it will get its needs met. Not consciously are they thinking this, this is just how their brain is developing in response to this particular environment and caregiver.
For these children they experience a lot of inconsistency when it comes to getting their needs met.
These primary caregivers can be nurturing and attentive to the child and will sometimes figure out what the child needs and the rest of the time they won’t figure it out and may even appear to be apathetic about it or insensitive. Sometimes the primary caregiver figures out what the child needs and other times it doesn’t.
It is precisely this kind of inconsistency that can leave this little one feeling insecure, confused and distressed. This can cause the child to act “needy” and clingy in order to receive the comfort and closeness they need.
The nervous system and the brain of this child are being shaped by these repeated experiences (during the first 18 months of life). The brain amps up its emotional centers in hopes that the primary caregiver will notice their needs and then be able to meet their needs. At least that is the hope.
It is this revving up of the attachment centers in this child that creates that anxiety for this little one. In addition to them picking up their caregivers anxiety and fear.
Sometimes these primary caregivers will show up with a lot of fear and anxiety when interacting with the child. These primary caregivers have a lot of unprocessed trauma from their own life, they carry a lot of ancestral trauma which of course is outside of their conscious awareness, and on top of that they could be dealing with issues in their own relationships. So when this primary caregiver comes to the child in need, they are preoccupied with all these other things that it gets in their way of being able to connect to their little one in the way the little one needs.
It is the attunement to the child’s specific needs and meeting that need that helps to build secure attachment. It is the felt sense of being seen (this is attunement) which is crucial in developing secure attachment. When this is missing for an infant, deep down they become stressed out and fear for their well being and life. Their very existence is dependent on their primary caregiver figuring out what they need.
Little babies can energetically feel what is going on with their parents. So when this primary caregiver who has an anxious preoccupied attachment comes to take care of their child, the child feels the primary caregiver’s fear and anxiety and this child now thinks this feeling belongs to them. The infant cannot differentiate between its own experience and the primary caregivers. This is why it is so important for those of you who want to be parents to work on your unprocessed trauma so that we don’t unconsciously hand it down to the next generation.
Remember children are sponges and pick up energy within the family and especially the energy that their parents are carrying.
The way this can show up is let's say a mother is watching her little girl play with her father. Now for this particular mother when she sees her little girl play with her father this could cause some unresolved wounds to surface where this mother might feel jealous of her little girl and the attention she is receiving b/c when this mother was child herself she didn’t get that care and attention from her own father. And at an energetic level the child senses this in its mother and the child takes this on subconsciously. And this could impact the child’s sense of worth. This can even bring up insecurities in the wife that she will not get attention from her husband. And now the mother is jealous of her little girl and the child picks up on this. The child can’t articulate it but it feels the energy and believes that this is true for them.
A child will unconsciously do this as a way to belong to the family. The child and all children do this… will try and take the pain of their parents as a way of saying I love you. Let me carry this pain for you, mom and dad, so that you don’t have to.
This is just one example of how a parent’s unhealed wounds can negatively impact their relationship with their children.
This is why we want to work on our deeper level issues so that we do not project them onto our children and distort our relationship with them. We want to be able to see our children clearly as our children and not as our past pain / experiences.
For a child who is developing anxious ambivalent attachment this child’s first experience of relationships is inconsistency.
When they become an adult they will take this behavior into their adult relationships.
They will either attract partners who will be inconsistent with them (there for them and then not there for them). Or they will perceive their partner’s behavior / actions as they don’t want to be with them. And they will continue to experience not getting their needs met in their relationships b/c this is what their brain learned to survive at a young age. The brain will attract and be attracted to similar experiences that it had in childhood b/c it knows how to survive that.
This inconsistency from the primary caregiver and later romantic partners creates an addictive quality that keeps the anxious preoccupied individual on high alert. So for this individual when they are seen and validated by their partner it feels good and they get a release of dopamine which gives them that high as a kite feeling but the inconsistency in the relationship is coupled with anxiety when they are on high alert waiting for their needs to be met. Which for these anxious preoccupied individuals makes their romantic relationships feel highly addictive.
For individuals with an anxious preoccupied attachment they are prone to feeling flooded by their emotions. They are more likely to experience feeling “drunk on emotions.” What these individuals need to learn how to do is to regulate their intense emotions and to learn how to self soothe.
When they are on their own they can feel more anxious b/c they regulate their internal state with another human. They seek security with others and prefer to be around other people. So when their partner is gone or away from them this can have an anxiety producing effect for them. They prefer to always be with their partner and are more likely to do what their partner wants, giving up their own needs and wants in order to keep their partner around.
They have a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries b/c at a subconscious level they believe that boundaries will destroy the connection. If they were to express a boundary, they fear it would damage the relationship and end it. Which would trigger their subconscious belief that it is just a matter of time before they will be abandoned. Subconsciously they do what their partner wants, giving up their own needs and wants b/c they believe that love is needing to please and gain their partner’s approval.
To their partner they can appear quite needy. They are more likely to attract dismissive avoidant partners and/or fearful avoidant partners. Which will trigger that deep abandonment wound.
Anxious preoccupied individuals tend to trust others and tend to not trust themselves. Which can translate to them having low self esteem and a more positive view of others.
Some other ways that these childhood attachments effect their love life negatively is they worry that their partner will leave them (because deep down they don’t feel loveable) which is made worse by their deep subconscious belief that it is just a matter of time before they will be rejected and abandoned. Because this belief is running in the subconscious mind they have a hard time trusting their partner.
These individuals need frequent reassurance that their partner cares for them b/c deep down they don’t feel worthy of love. This is all connected to the inconsistency in being seen by their primary caregiver.
And because these individuals are more dominant in their right mode of consciousness they are hypersensitive to their partner’s actions and moods.
Due to their insecurity around their worth and deservingness of love they can behave in ways that appear clingy, possessive, jealous, or demanding of their partner. It is as if that little one is coming out in these moments.
The danger with this in relationships is now the partner is becoming the parent on an energetic level. The anxious preoccupied adult is no longer seeing their partner as a partner and is not seeing them as their parent. They are seeking the reassurance from their partner that they didn’t get from their primary caregiver. And nothing destroys intimacy more than projecting your mother / father wounds on to your partner.
Such behaviors often result in the opposite to the desired effect and can actually put a strain on your relationship and push your partner away. If you are looking to shift these deeper subconscious blocks to love please consider reaching out for an introductory call.
Blog
The anxious preoccupied attachment style
and their struggles in relationships
We are going to explore the anxious preoccupied attachment style and how this could negatively be affecting your love life. Maybe you have this attachment style or maybe your partner does. Either way it is important to educate yourself so that you can take the proper steps in order to have a fulfilling love life if that is what you desire.
A lot of our subconscious blocks to love are rooted in our childhood and formed during our formative years between the ages of 0-7. Our attachment style, which is the interpersonal relationship we have between us as children and our primary caregiver, sets the foundational blueprint for our deep subconscious beliefs that can either positively or negatively affect our love life and our life.
Our attachment style is formed in childhood and it is formed between the child and the primary caregiver. The caregiver who spends the most time with the child we are calling the primary caregiver. It is the interaction between the child and the primary caregiver that shapes the child’s developing brain creating and forming what is called attachment patterning. These early experiences shape an individual's development, particularly their self-esteem, ability to form secure attachments, and overall emotional well-being. The reason this is important is b/c this will form the foundational blueprint for how this child (you) will later operate in its relationships.
It is within the first 18 months of the child’s life where the attachment patterning within the brain forms and stabilizes. It is over this length of time that the child is experiencing repetition in terms of behavior between it and its primary caregiver.
It is the relationship between the baby and the caregiver that shapes the child’s developing mind. Parent’s are sculpting their child’s minds. As babies we have no choice but to adapt to the limitations of our caregivers. And we adapt in a way that conforms to the relationship we have with our primary caregivers. Even if that means we shut down our attachment system altogether. Which is the case for avoidant children.
The primary caregiver for avoidant children usually have what is called a dismissive avoidant attachment. This is an avoidant attachment for adults. So the mother hands down her attachment to her child. Attachment patterning is ancestral and handed down the family line. And it keeps repeating until a member of the family takes it upon themselves to do the deeper level healing that is required to develop what is called “earned secure attachment.”
Children are sponges and will pick up what their parents model to them.
We can earn security by learning the right tools, learning how to be in a healthy relationship, and by rewiring our neurology and healing our deep core wounds from childhood, and healing our ancestral trauma. Believe or not the trauma from our ancestors affects our DNA, this is epigenetics.
When parents don’t work on their deeper level wounds they unconsciously hand it down those wounds to their children. Children will pick up everything, even the issues the parent’s are not even aware of.
These anxious preoccupied caregivers have a hard time attuning to their infant and can’t quite figure out what the child needs. Sometimes they figure out what the child needs and other times they don’t. The name of the game is inconsistency. These caregivers are inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs.
These children are not being attuned to by the primary caregiver on a consistent basis. And for this particular child who is developing an anxious ambivalent attachment to its primary caregiver, this child is trying its best to get its needs met and does this by amping up its attachment centers.
Let’s say that the child wants to be cuddled and loved and it cries in an attempt to communicate that with its primary caregiver, the parent comes but isn’t able to tune into that need that the child has. So the parent feeds the child instead… and the child keeps crying. Because what it really needs isn’t being met in that moment.
The child will cry and cry and cry and act out in this way in hopes that mom will figure out what they truly need and help them to meet that need. The child wants their primary caregiver to soothe them but the primary caregiver just isn’t getting the message.
The repeated crying and revving up of their attachment center is a behavioral adaptation, the child is behaving in such a way so that they can maintain connection with its caregiver in hopes that it will get its needs met. Not consciously are they thinking this, this is just how their brain is de
veloping in response to this particular environment and caregiver.
For these children they experience a lot of inconsistency when it comes to getting their needs met.
These primary caregivers can be nurturing and attentive to the child and will sometimes figure out what the child needs and the rest of the time they won’t figure it out and may even appear to be apathetic about it or insensitive. Sometimes the primary caregiver figures out what the child needs and other times it doesn’t.
It is precisely this kind of inconsistency that can leave this little one feeling insecure, confused and distressed. This can cause the child to act “needy” and clingy in order to receive the comfort and closeness they need.
The nervous system and the brain of this child are being shaped by these repeated experiences (during the first 18 months of life). The brain amps up its emotional centers in hopes that the primary caregiver will notice their needs and then be able to meet their needs. At least that is the hope.
It is this revving up of the attachment centers in this child that creates that anxiety for this little one. In addition to them picking up their caregivers anxiety and fear.
Sometimes these primary caregivers will show up with a lot of fear and anxiety when interacting with the child. These primary caregivers have a lot of unprocessed trauma from their own life, they carry a lot of ancestral trauma which of course is outside of their conscious awareness, and on top of that they could be dealing with issues in their own relationships. So when this primary caregiver comes to the child in need, they are preoccupied with all these other things that it gets in their way of being able to connect to their little one in the way the little one needs.
It is the attunement to the child’s specific needs and meeting that need that helps to build secure attachment. It is the felt sense of being seen (this is attunement) which is crucial in developing secure attachment. When this is missing for an infant, deep down they become stressed out and fear for their well being and life. Their very existence is dependent on their primary caregiver figuring out what they need.
Little babies can energetically feel what is going on with their parents. So when this primary caregiver who has an anxious preoccupied attachment comes to take care of their child, the child feels the primary caregiver’s fear and anxiety and this child now thinks this feeling belongs to them. The infant cannot differentiate between its own experience and the primary caregivers. This is why it is so important for those of you who want to be parents to work on your unprocessed trauma so that we don’t unconsciously hand it down to the next generation.
Remember children are sponges and pick up energy within the family and especially the energy that their parents are carrying.
The way this can show up is let's say a mother is watching her little girl play with her father. Now for this particular mother when she sees her little girl play with her father this could cause some unresolved wounds to surface where this mother might feel jealous of her little girl and the attention she is receiving b/c when this mother was child herself she didn’t get that care and attention from her own father. And at an energetic level the child senses this in its mother and the child takes this on subconsciously. And this could impact the child’s sense of worth. This can even bring up insecurities in the wife that she will not get attention from her husband. And now the mother is jealous of her little girl and the child picks up on this. The child can’t articulate it but it feels the energy and believes that this is true for them.
A child will unconsciously do this as a way to belong to the family. The child and all children do this… will try and take the pain of their parents as a way of saying I love you. Let me carry this pain for you, mom and dad, so that you don’t have to.
This is just one example of how a parent’s unhealed wounds can negatively impact their relationship with their children.
This is why we want to work on our deeper level issues so that we do not project them onto our children and distort our relationship with them. We want to be able to see our children clearly as our children and not as our past pain / experiences.
For a child who is developing anxious ambivalent attachment this child’s first experience of relationships is inconsistency.
When they become an adult they will take this behavior into their adult relationships.
They will either attract partners who will be inconsistent with them (there for them and then not there for them). Or they will perceive their partner’s behavior / actions as they don’t want to be with them. And they will continue to experience not getting their needs met in their relationships b/c this is what their brain learned to survive at a young age. The brain will attract and be attracted to similar experiences that it had in childhood b/c it knows how to survive that.
This inconsistency from the primary caregiver and later romantic partners creates an addictive quality that keeps the anxious preoccupied individual on high alert. So for this individual when they are seen and validated by their partner it feels good and they get a release of dopamine which gives them that high as a kite feeling but the inconsistency in the relationship is coupled with anxiety when they are on high alert waiting for their needs to be met. Which for these anxious preoccupied individuals makes their romantic relationships feel highly addictive.
For individuals with an anxious preoccupied attachment they are prone to feeling flooded by their emotions. They are more likely to experience feeling “drunk on emotions.” What these individuals need to learn how to do is to regulate their intense emotions and to learn how to self soothe.
When they are on their own they can feel more anxious b/c they regulate their internal state with another human. They seek security with others and prefer to be around other people. So when their partner is gone or away from them this can have an anxiety producing effect for them. They prefer to always be with their partner and are more likely to do what their partner wants, giving up their own needs and wants in order to keep their partner around.
They have a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries b/c at a subconscious level they believe that boundaries will destroy the connection. If they were to express a boundary, they fear it would damage the relationship and end it. Which would trigger their subconscious belief that it is just a matter of time before they will be abandoned. Subconsciously they do what their partner wants, giving up their own needs and wants b/c they believe that love is needing to please and gain their partner’s approval.
To their partner they can appear quite needy. They are more likely to attract dismissive avoidant partners and/or fearful avoidant partners. Which will trigger that deep abandonment wound.
Anxious preoccupied individuals tend to trust others and tend to not trust themselves. Which can translate to them having low self esteem and a more positive view of others.
Some other ways that these childhood attachments effect their love life negatively is they worry that their partner will leave them (because deep down they don’t feel loveable) which is made worse by their deep subconscious belief that it is just a matter of time before they will be rejected and abandoned. Because this belief is running in the subconscious mind they have a hard time trusting their partner.
These individuals need frequent reassurance that their partner cares for them b/c deep down they don’t feel worthy of love. This is all connected to the inconsistency in being seen by their primary caregiver.
And because these individuals are more dominant in their right mode of consciousness they are hypersensitive to their partner’s actions and moods.
Due to their insecurity around their worth and deservingness of love they can behave in ways that appear clingy, possessive, jealous, or demanding of their partner. It is as if that little one is coming out in these moments.
The danger with this in relationships is now the partner is becoming the parent on an energetic level. The anxious preoccupied adult is no longer seeing their partner as a partner and is not seeing them as their parent. They are seeking the reassurance from their partner that they didn’t get from their primary caregiver. And nothing destroys intimacy more than projecting your mother / father wounds on to your partner.
Such behaviors often result in the opposite to the desired effect and can actually put a strain on your relationship and push your partner away. If you are looking to shift these deeper subconscious blocks to love please consider reaching out for an introductory call.
Break free from self-sabotage—connect with Jess for your Introductory Call and start achieving the life you desire.
Break free from self-sabotage—connect with Jess for your Introductory Call and start achieving the life you desire.
Our beliefs about our self and the world is set in place by the age of 7
Coming soon!
How our early attachments shape our love life
Love is a profound and complex emotion that influences every aspect of our lives, from our self-esteem to our relationships. The roots of our capacity to love can be traced back to our earliest experiences—the attachments we form with our parents or primary caregivers during childhood...
Re-Programming the Subconscious Mind
Healing Modalities
This isn't a quick fix, or a magic pill. If you are looking for something like that, then please look somewhere else. Those who partake on this path are committed to their growth, transformation and personal development not only for themselves but for those they love. When you choose to work on yourself you are making your greatest contribution to yourself, your loved ones, and the world at large.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Transformational Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a methodology that allows you to get really clear on what you would like in life and then it works to revise the limiting subconscious beliefs and patterning that get in the way of you having what you would like.
Past trauma gets hard wired into your neurology and can plague you for many years after, causing limiting patterns and blocks to your ultimate happiness. When you start to understand how your brain really works you can begin to work with all parts of yourself instead of against yourself.
Transformational NLP is a combination of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), psychology, and spirituality. Utilizing the latest innovations from quantum physics, neuroscience, psychology, and systemic constellations we can uncover what has been stopping you from having the love life and life you truly desire and update the programming so your dominant frequency will now aligns with what you desire.
Family Constellations
Family constellations are a powerful that help people become free from unconscious ancestral trauma that gets handed down generationally.
Constellations have been known to heal and shift an undesired state or issue where other healing modalities have fallen short. What if that missing piece was tied to you ancestral lineage, something deeply embedded in you family system that has never been explored, until now?
Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist and one of the founders of this work, discovered that people often unconsciously adopt familial patterns such as anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, fear, and aloneness as a way of belonging to those that gave them life.
In family constellations, these entanglements are revealed and acknowledged. A well facilitated constellation creates the space for the family order to be put back into its proper place. This allows for the client to have a new and better experience going forward.
Hypnosis
Hypnosis is a very effective tool that allows you to easily and efficiently reprogram the subconscious mind. With hypnosis repetition is key! In hypnosis, techniques are utilized to bypass the conscious mind and speak directly to the subconscious mind.
The goal with hypnosis (as well as NLP) is to help people do what they want to do and stop doing what they don’t want to do. Hypnosis (as well as NLP) allows you to bridge the conscious mind and the subconscious mind so that they can work in harmony with each other, instead of against each other. Imagine achieving the things you want in life with ease, without unconsciously sabotaging yourself!
Hypnosis is an altered state of consciousness where the subconscious level of the mind is in a state of hyper-suggestibility.
When it comes to creating the change you would like to see in your life, you have to want the change. As a hypnotist we will never get anyone to make a change that is not acceptable to them.
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Subconscious Designs, LLC © 2023 All rights reserved
All content shared reflects personal experience, education, and opinion, and is intended for informational and personal development purposes only. The information provided is not medical advice and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological treatment. Subconscious Designs LLC and Jessica Dufour do not claim to diagnose, treat, or cure any condition. You are solely responsible for your own decisions, actions, and results.
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