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The dismissive avoidant attachment style
and their difficulties in relationships
The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
& Their Difficulties In Romantic Relationships
We are going to explore the dismissive avoidant attachment style and how this could negatively be affecting your love life. Maybe you have this attachment style or maybe your partner does. Either way it is important to educate yourself so that you can take the proper steps in order to have a fulfilling love life if that is what you desire.
A lot of our subconscious blocks to love are rooted in our childhood and formed during our formative years between the ages of 0-7. Our attachment style, which is the interpersonal relationship we have between us as children and our primary caregiver, sets the foundational blueprint for our deep subconscious beliefs that can either positively or negatively affect our love life and our life.
Our attachment style is formed in childhood and it is formed between the child and the primary caregiver. The caregiver who spends the most time with the child we are calling the primary caregiver. It is the interaction between the child and the primary caregiver that shapes the child’s developing brain creating and forming what is called attachment patterning. These early experiences shape an individual's development, particularly their self-esteem, ability to form secure attachments, and overall emotional well-being. The reason this is important is b/c this will form the foundational blueprint for how this child (you) will later operate in its relationships.
We are going to explore the dismissive avoidant attachment style and how this could negatively be affecting your love life. Maybe you have this attachment style or maybe your partner does. Either way it is important to educate yourself so that you can take the proper steps in order to have a fulfilling love life if that is what you desire.
A lot of our subconscious blocks to love are rooted in our childhood and formed during our formative years between the ages of 0-7. Our attachment style, which is the interpersonal relationship we have between us as children and our primary caregiver, sets the foundational blueprint for our deep subconscious beliefs that can either positively or negatively affect our love life and our life. To learn what your attachment style might be you can take the attachment style quiz.
Our attachment style is formed in childhood and it is formed between the child and the primary caregiver. The caregiver who spends the most time with the child we are calling the primary caregiver. It is the interaction between the child and the primary caregiver that shapes the child’s developing brain creating and forming what is called attachment patterning. These early experiences shape an individual's development, particularly their self-esteem, ability to form secure attachments, and overall emotional well-being. The reason this is important is b/c this will form the foundational blueprint for how this child (you) will later operate in its relationships.
It is within the first 18 months of the child’s life where the attachment patterning within the brain forms and stabilizes. It is over this length of time that the child is experiencing repetition in terms of behavior between it and its primary caregiver.
It is the relationship between the baby and the caregiver that shapes the child’s developing mind. Parent’s are sculpting their child’s minds. As babies we have no choice but to adapt to the limitations of our caregivers. And we adapt in a way that conforms to the relationship we have with our primary caregivers. Even if that means we shut down our attachment system altogether. Which is the case for avoidant children.
The primary caregiver for avoidant children usually have what is called a dismissive avoidant attachment. This is an avoidant attachment for adults. So the mother hands down her attachment to her child. Attachment patterning is ancestral and handed down the family line. And it keeps repeating until a member of the family takes it upon themselves to do the deeper level healing that is required to develop what is called “earned secure attachment.”
Children are sponges and will pick up what their parents model to them.
We can earn security by learning the right tools, learning how to be in a healthy relationship, and by rewiring our neurology and healing our deep core wounds from childhood, and healing our ancestral trauma. Believe or not the trauma from our ancestors affects our DNA, this is epigenetics.
When parents don’t work on their deeper level wounds they unconsciously hand it down those wounds to their children. Children will pick up everything, even the issues the parent’s are not even aware of.
These dismissive avoidant caregivers typically do not hold their children a lot and they do not respond quickly to their child’s needs. Because of the lack of physical contact between the parent and the child the child does not learn to regulate its nervous system with another human being. Which is what we humans do. And being able to regulate with another is important in a healthy relationship. We regulate with others and we regulate on our own. But for dismissive avoidants they have a hard time regulating with others. Because they were not consistently held as a child their brain learned that not being in close proximity to others feels the safest.
Children cry in order to communicate their needs. A child who is developing an avoidant attachment to it’s mother will cry to let its mother know that it is hungry. But this primary caregiver doesn’t get to the child right away. They get to the child when they get to the child. And when they get to it they might change the diaper versus really tuning in and noticing that the child is hungry. These parents are more likely to let their child cry it out until they get so exhausted they fall asleep or pass out. Deep down the child feels invisible to their primary caregiver. These children do not feel seen at a deep core level.
The little one cries and cries but learns over time that no one is coming. The child is learning that the only thing that is consistent is their primary caregiver’s inconsistency in meeting their needs.
For a child to develop a secure attachment to it’s primary caregiver we need attunement which is a felt sense of being seen by another and responded to by another. This means that when a child cries, the mother goes to the child quickly, and figures out what the child needs and takes the appropriate actions to meet that child’s needs.
But for this little avoidant one who is left alone in their crib to cry it out until they fall asleep, or who cries and cries hoping it’s mother will hear its call… when no one responds their nervous system and their brain say, “hey we cannot exude all this energy, it is not safe for us and could cause us to die from exhaustion.” So what happens is that for safety and survival of this little one, the attachment system shuts down in the limbic brain. Remember this is happening over the course of the first 18 months of this child’s life… this isn’t a one time incident… This is repeated.
Over time the child learns that they cannot depend on the primary caregiver to figure out what they need. And they come to learn their primary caregiver won’t even be there to meet their needs when they have needs. The child learns that it CANNOT TRUST others b/c of this lack of consistency from their primary caregiver. They are very inconsistent in meeting their child’s needs and bids for connection.
The cries of these children are falling on deaf ears. As a result the child will shut itself off from its feelings and behavior in order to preserve their energy and survive. The feeling of no one being there for them is just too much to bear that their little brain learns to shut itself off from its feelings in order to preserve energy so the child can survive. The child learns that feelings are not safe and will cut itself off from it’s feelings. Whereas with children who have an ambivalent attachment they revive up their attachment center in the limbic brain and cry and cry and cry in order to get their mother’s attention.
When the avoidant child’s bid for connection to its primary caregiver is not met, what starts to develop at a deep core subconscious level is “I cannot depend on others.” Our primary relationship with our primary caregiver sets the tone and frequency for how we will operate in love when we become adults. For this child they have an avoidant blueprint when it comes to relationships with others. And this is what they will offer in their relationships.
When this child becomes an adult you will notice hyper independent characteristics. Which will get in the way of having a successful romantic relationship b/c they won’t feel safe depending on their partner. They will even be prone to being a workaholic b/c it is easier to focus on their work than being with others. Because let's face it at the end of the day who is going to be around the longest… work.
They may even attract partners who are undependable just reinforcing that deep subconscious belief that others are not dependable. And they are more likely to date workaholics themselves so that they can both avoid intimacy. They may even suffer from the grass is greener syndrome… when intimacy increases in their relationship, since this will trigger a deep core wound that this isn’t safe… they will start to look outside of their relationship at other potential partners as an unconscious way to escape their current relationships so they can avoid intimacy.
Dismissive avoidants do want love, they want to connect. But for them their partner's emotions can be too much for them to handle. In fact emotions in general are just too much for them. Dismissive Avoidants may exhibit behaviors which include a reluctance to express emotions, a preference for independence, and difficulty with emotional intimacy.
Dismissive avoidant attachment style can negatively affect adult romantic relationships. These individuals may struggle with emotional closeness, have difficulty trusting their partners, or may tend to distance themselves when their partners seek emotional connection. More often than not Dismissive Avoidants will date Anxious Preoccupied. Dating a person with an anxious preoccupied attachment can cause a dismissive avoidant to pull away from their partner when emotions get too intense, which is a natural state of the anxious preoccupied.
Now I have a theory that the reason these 2 attachment styles are attracted to each other at an unconscious level is because they are helping the other to see what they need to work on. In a way it is a blessing in disguise. And it is a great opportunity to better understand your own core wounds b/c they will be brought to the surface in these relationships and if you are brave enough to reach out for help you can use this relationship to be a catalyst for your own personal development and transformation.
When your partner triggers you, bring it to a session to work on and clean it up. These triggers come up b/c they want to be addressed, healed and worked through. But not everyone is up for doing the deeper level work. But those who are are rewarded with a partner they can spend their life with.
Dismissive Avoidants trust themselves but have a hard time trusting others. Whereas Anxious Preoccupied have a hard time trusting themselves and an easier time trusting others. They are attracted to the strengths that the other possesses. Dismissive Avoidatns are more dominant in their left mode of consciousness and Anxious Preoccupied in their Right Modes of Consciousness. Now some people will say that dismissive avoidants are left hemisphere dominant and anxious preoccupied are more right hemisphere dominant. In order to have a healthy brain and achieve security we need to have an integration between the right and left modes of consciousness. This is how we achieve Buddha consciousness.
Together they complete each other in a way. The only issue is they trigger each other's core wounds. One of the main core wounds that gets triggered for the dismissive avoidant is that people are not dependable / reliable. And for the anxious preoccupied their abandonment wound gets triggered when the dismissive avoidant pulls away when intimacy increases. Together their energy forms a nice yin and yang. They each possess what the other lacks yet they trigger each other’s deepest wounds.
In relationships the dismissive avoidant feels like they are losing their sense of self when intimacy increases and will pull away from their partner which triggers the abandonment wound in the anxious preoccupied partner.
Dismissive Avoidants have a grounded sense of self and know how to self soothe and this is what the Anxious Preoccupied lacks and is attracted to in its counterpart.
Blog
The dismissive avoidant attachment style and their difficulties in relationships
We are going to explore the dismissive avoidant attachment style and how this could negatively be affecting your love life. Maybe you have this attachment style or maybe your partner does. Either way it is important to educate yourself so that you can take the proper steps in order to have a fulfilling love life if that is what you desire.
A lot of our subconscious blocks to love are rooted in our childhood and formed during our formative years between the ages of 0-7. Our attachment style, which is the interpersonal relationship we have between us as children and our primary caregiver, sets the foundational blueprint for our deep subconscious beliefs that can either positively or negatively affect our love life and our life.
Our attachment style is formed in childhood and it is formed between the child and the primary caregiver. The caregiver who spends the most time with the child we are calling the primary caregiver. It is the interaction between the child and the primary caregiver that shapes the child’s developing brain creating and forming what is called attachment patterning. These early experiences shape an individual's development, particularly their self-esteem, ability to form secure attachments, and overall emotional well-being. The reason this is important is b/c this will form the foundational blueprint for how this child (you) will later operate in its relationships.
It is within the first 18 months of the child’s life where the attachment patterning within the brain forms and stabilizes. It is over this length of time that the child is experiencing repetition in terms of behavior between it and its primary caregiver.
It is the relationship between the baby and the caregiver that shapes the child’s developing mind. Parent’s are sculpting their child’s minds. As babies we have no choice but to adapt to the limitations of our caregivers. And we adapt in a way that conforms to the relationship we have with our primary caregivers. Even if that means we shut down our attachment system altogether. Which is the case for avoidant children.
The primary caregiver for avoidant children usually have what is called a dismissive avoidant attachment. This is an avoidant attachment for adults. So the mother hands down her attachment to her child. Attachment patterning is ancestral and handed down the family line. And it keeps repeating until a member of the family takes it upon themselves to do the deeper level healing that is required to develop what is called “earned secure attachment.”
Children are sponges and will pick up what their parents model to them.
We can earn security by learning the right tools, learning how to be in a healthy relationship, and by rewiring our neurology and healing our deep core wounds from childhood, and healing our ancestral trauma. Believe or not the trauma from our ancestors affects our DNA, this is epigenetics.
When parents don’t work on their deeper level wounds they unconsciously hand it down those wounds to their children. Children will pick up everything, even the issues the parent’s are not even aware of.
These dismissive avoidant caregivers typically do not hold their children a lot and they do not respond quickly to their child’s needs. Because of the lack of physical contact between the parent and the child the child does not learn to regulate its nervous system with another human being. Which is what we humans do. And being able to regulate with another is important in a healthy relationship. We regulate with others and we regulate on our own. But for dismissive avoidants they have a hard time regulating with others. Because they were not consistently held as a child their brain learned that not being in close proximity to others feels the safest.
Children cry in order to communicate their needs. A child who is developing an avoidant attachment to it’s mother will cry to let its mother know that it is hungry. But this primary caregiver doesn’t get to the child right away. They get to the child when they get to the child. And when they get to it they might change the diaper versus really tuning in and noticing that the child is hungry. These parents are more likely to let their child cry it out until they get so exhausted they fall asleep or pass out. Deep down the child feels invisible to their primary caregiver. These children do not feel seen at a deep core level.
The little one cries and cries but learns over time that no one is coming. The child is learning that the only thing that is consistent is their primary caregiver’s inconsistency in meeting their needs.
For a child to develop a secure attachment to it’s primary caregiver we need attunement which is a felt sense of being seen by another and responded to by another. This means that when a child cries, the mother goes to the child quickly, and figures out what the child needs and takes the appropriate actions to meet that child’s needs.
But for this little avoidant one who is left alone in their crib to cry it out until they fall asleep, or who cries and cries hoping it’s mother will hear its call… when no one responds their nervous system and their brain say, “hey we cannot exude all this energy, it is not safe for us and could cause us to die from exhaustion.” So what happens is that for safety and survival of this little one, the attachment system shuts down in the limbic brain. Remember this is happening over the course of the first 18 months of this child’s life… this isn’t a one time incident… This is repeated.
Over time the child learns that they cannot depend on the primary caregiver to figure out what they need. And they come to learn their primary caregiver won’t even be there to meet their needs when they have needs. The child learns that it CANNOT TRUST others b/c of this lack of consistency from their primary caregiver. They are very inconsistent in meeting their child’s needs and bids for connection.
The cries of these children are falling on deaf ears. As a result the child will shut itself off from its feelings and behavior in order to preserve their energy and survive. The feeling of no one being there for them is just too much to bear that their little brain learns to shut itself off from its feelings in order to preserve energy so the child can survive. The child learns that feelings are not safe and will cut itself off from it’s feelings. Whereas with children who have an ambivalent attachment they revive up their attachment center in the limbic brain and cry and cry and cry in order to get their mother’s attention.
When the avoidant child’s bid for connection to its primary caregiver is not met, what starts to develop at a deep core subconscious level is “I cannot depend on others.” Our primary relationship with our primary caregiver sets the tone and frequency for how we will operate in love when we become adults. For this child they have an avoidant blueprint when it comes to relationships with others. And this is what they will offer in their relationships.
When this child becomes an adult you will notice hyper independent characteristics. Which will get in the way of having a successful romantic relationship b/c they won’t feel safe depending on their partner. They will even be prone to being a workaholic b/c it is easier to focus on their work than being with others. Because let's face it at the end of the day who is going to be around the longest… work.
They may even attract partners who are undependable just reinforcing that deep subconscious belief that others are not dependable. And they are more likely to date workaholics themselves so that they can both avoid intimacy. They may even suffer from the grass is greener syndrome… when intimacy increases in their relationship, since this will trigger a deep core wound that this isn’t safe… they will start to look outside of their relationship at other potential partners as an unconscious way to escape their current relationships so they can avoid intimacy.
Dismissive avoidants do want love, they want to connect. But for them their partner's emotions can be too much for them to handle. In fact emotions in general are just too much for them. Dismissive Avoidants may exhibit behaviors which include a reluctance to express emotions, a preference for independence, and difficulty with emotional intimacy.
Dismissive avoidant attachment style can negatively affect adult romantic relationships. These individuals may struggle with emotional closeness, have difficulty trusting their partners, or may tend to distance themselves when their partners seek emotional connection. More often than not Dismissive Avoidants will date Anxious Preoccupied. Dating a person with an anxious preoccupied attachment can cause a dismissive avoidant to pull away from their partner when emotions get too intense, which is a natural state of the anxious preoccupied.
Now I have a theory that the reason these 2 attachment styles are attracted to each other at an unconscious level is because they are helping the other to see what they need to work on. In a way it is a blessing in disguise. And it is a great opportunity to better understand your own core wounds b/c they will be brought to the surface in these relationships and if you are brave enough to reach out for help you can use this relationship to be a catalyst for your own personal development and transformation.
When your partner triggers you, bring it to a session to work on and clean it up. These triggers come up b/c they want to be addressed, healed and worked through. But not everyone is up for doing the deeper level work. But those who are are rewarded with a partner they can spend their life with.
Dismissive Avoidants trust themselves but have a hard time trusting others. Whereas Anxious Preoccupied have a hard time trusting themselves and an easier time trusting others. They are attracted to the strengths that the other possesses. Dismissive Avoidatns are more dominant in their left mode of consciousness and Anxious Preoccupied in their Right Modes of Consciousness. Now some people will say that dismissive avoidants are left hemisphere dominant and anxious preoccupied are more right hemisphere dominant. In order to have a healthy brain and achieve security we need to have an integration between the right and left modes of consciousness. This is how we achieve Buddha consciousness.
Together they complete each other in a way. The only issue is they trigger each other's core wounds. One of the main core wounds that gets triggered for the dismissive avoidant is that people are not dependable / reliable. And for the anxious preoccupied their abandonment wound gets triggered when the dismissive avoidant pulls away when intimacy increases. Together their energy forms a nice yin and yang. They each possess what the other lacks yet they trigger each other’s deepest wounds.
In relationships the dismissive avoidant feels like they are losing their sense of self when intimacy increases and will pull away from their partner which triggers the abandonment wound in the anxious preoccupied partner.
Dismissive Avoidants have a grounded sense of self and know how to self soothe and this is what the Anxious Preoccupied lacks and is attracted to in its counterpart.
Break free from self-sabotage—connect with Jess for your Introductory Call and start achieving the life you desire.
Break free from self-sabotage—connect with Jess for your Introductory Call and start achieving the life you desire.
Our beliefs about our self and the world is set in place by the age of 7
Coming soon!
How our early attachments shape our love life
Love is a profound and complex emotion that influences every aspect of our lives, from our self-esteem to our relationships. The roots of our capacity to love can be traced back to our earliest experiences—the attachments we form with our parents or primary caregivers during childhood...
Re-Programming the Subconscious Mind
Healing Modalities
This isn't a quick fix, or a magic pill. If you are looking for something like that, then please look somewhere else. Those who partake on this path are committed to their growth, transformation and personal development not only for themselves but for those they love. When you choose to work on yourself you are making your greatest contribution to yourself, your loved ones, and the world at large.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Transformational Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a methodology that allows you to get really clear on what you would like in life and then it works to revise the limiting subconscious beliefs and patterning that get in the way of you having what you would like.
Past trauma gets hard wired into your neurology and can plague you for many years after, causing limiting patterns and blocks to your ultimate happiness. When you start to understand how your brain really works you can begin to work with all parts of yourself instead of against yourself.
Transformational NLP is a combination of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), psychology, and spirituality. Utilizing the latest innovations from quantum physics, neuroscience, psychology, and systemic constellations we can uncover what has been stopping you from having the love life and life you truly desire and update the programming so your dominant frequency will now aligns with what you desire.
Family Constellations
Family constellations are a powerful that help people become free from unconscious ancestral trauma that gets handed down generationally.
Constellations have been known to heal and shift an undesired state or issue where other healing modalities have fallen short. What if that missing piece was tied to you ancestral lineage, something deeply embedded in you family system that has never been explored, until now?
Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist and one of the founders of this work, discovered that people often unconsciously adopt familial patterns such as anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, fear, and aloneness as a way of belonging to those that gave them life.
In family constellations, these entanglements are revealed and acknowledged. A well facilitated constellation creates the space for the family order to be put back into its proper place. This allows for the client to have a new and better experience going forward.
Hypnosis
Hypnosis is a very effective tool that allows you to easily and efficiently reprogram the subconscious mind. With hypnosis repetition is key! In hypnosis, techniques are utilized to bypass the conscious mind and speak directly to the subconscious mind.
The goal with hypnosis (as well as NLP) is to help people do what they want to do and stop doing what they don’t want to do. Hypnosis (as well as NLP) allows you to bridge the conscious mind and the subconscious mind so that they can work in harmony with each other, instead of against each other. Imagine achieving the things you want in life with ease, without unconsciously sabotaging yourself!
Hypnosis is an altered state of consciousness where the subconscious level of the mind is in a state of hyper-suggestibility.
When it comes to creating the change you would like to see in your life, you have to want the change. As a hypnotist we will never get anyone to make a change that is not acceptable to them.
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All content shared reflects personal experience, education, and opinion, and is intended for informational and personal development purposes only. The information provided is not medical advice and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological treatment. Subconscious Designs LLC and Jessica Dufour do not claim to diagnose, treat, or cure any condition. You are solely responsible for your own decisions, actions, and results.
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